Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A Really Painful Past Month
In the middle of a very unsettled time for 'My Man' and I during our Faith Journey, 'My Man' and I found out we were pregnant last December. We were very shocked by the news. Infact, so suprised we took multiple pregnancy tests, because we were certain we must have purchased defaulted tests. Something had to be wrong...No one in their right mind would try to have a baby in the circumstances we were in! To give you an idea of what our circumstance looked like-- I was working full time in a very negative, emotionally draining working environment, 'My Man' was working two part-time jobs, we just got moved into our apartment-if you call "Moved-In" sleeping on the middle of our living room floor with a couple blankets and pillows. Everything we owned was back in Indiana in storage, except some of our clothes, few towels, 2 cooking pans, some cd's, our Bibles, and the blankets and pillows we were sleeping on! Obviously, this season of life we were in, was not how I always dreamed of finding out that we were expecting! Once we kind of got over the BIG SHOCK- our hearts began to be filled with so much love, joy, and excitement for this baby! We knew God specifically knitted this baby together and that with God there are no accidents! We kind of just started assuming that God was blessing us with this baby as a gift for our obedience and faithfulness to His call of sending us to Florida and all the trials that we had been through! We called all of our family and friends and told them we were pregnant. Everyone was really happy and excited, except for a family member who told us, that they couldn't say they were happy for us! Satan used anyone and anything to try to hurt us! Luckily though, we had plenty of other people who were there for us! Day by day we fell more and more in love with the baby! We would talk to the baby, 'My Man' would sing to the baby-we even came up with the name-we did everything people tell you not to do just incase something would happen! God began to start putting our lives back in order little by little. My sweet big brother and his friend loaded up a U-Haul with all of our large furniture and items along with the neccessities, leaving behind the rest of our stuff. My mom and dad also helped us when there just wasn't a way! Things started to fall into place, except for the prenatal care. To make a long story short, let's just say it was a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE!!! I began having a little bleeding. I was in the beginning of my 2nd Trimester which was the point I finally felt like I made it to the Safe Zone! I had spotted throughout the whole pregnancy, but that day I had a really bad feeling. That evening when 'My Man' got home we were trying to figure out whether or not we should go to the ER. My Bible study leader 'Doctor Bob' had his daughters who is a Director of Nursing call and share her wisdom. Only God knew I really needed to hear from her the things she told me! I really felt God pressing me to go to the hospital! 'My Man' and I went to the ER late that night. On the way to the hospital I began praying for really good, godly doctors and nurses; that I couldn't handle dealing with one more bad doctor. The minute I sat on the hospital bed I began bleeding alot more and the pain got way more intense. The doctors and nurses I had were amazing! They ran alot of different test. One test in particular I could feel an evil presence dancing around the room, happily knowing how knocked down and helpless 'My Man' and I felt, but it was if God put a boundary up to where it couldn't get close to us. God quickly put the scripture Psalm 91 on my heart and reminded me that He sends Angels and Warriors to guard His children in all their ways! The doctor came in really early that morning and told us the worst news we have ever received. He told us we had lost the baby, that the baby's heart had stopped developing. Our hearts were broken into pieces. We felt so alone, all of our family and friends were so far away. We were brokenhearted, confused, angry, sad.. I kept asking 'My Man', "Why?" "Why would God allow this?" 'My Man' kept telling me to hold as tight as I could to God, to not let go. My aunt and uncle had been planning a trip down for quite a few months. It just so happened they were driving down from Indiana and arrived to Florida when we left the hospital that next morning! God sent them on what they thought was a vacation, to comfort us. My big brothers also came down that week for the Daytona Race week! 'My Man' and I had a whole bunch of people in Indiana praying for us, sending us messages, and calling. Those people really helped us through some of the saddest days. Isaiah 43 and 2 Cor 1:3-7 have been my Go To verses when I felt like just giving up! Our due date was August 19th. This month has been really hard for me. Probably one of the hardest months of all! There are days I just can't keep it together. All to often, being a Pastor's Wife I do feel like a fish in a fish bowl. However, I am very blessed to have an amazing, godly husband who reminds me, to just be ME! I don't think 'My Man' or I will ever be the same- a piece of us will always be missing on earth. I'm excited to one day see what our child looks like, what our child's personality is like, I can't wait to hold our baby! Heaven truly has a whole different meaning to me now. Everytime I think of our baby I am reminded that this is not our home, that we have an Eternal Home that God is preparing for us in Heaven!